This past November I was asked to give a brief talk at a community Veteran’s Day service. The general topic was world peace, and my assignment was to discuss peace as it relates to family.
Apparently, what I came up with is something that people are hungry to hear and to discuss, because I’ve had many requests for copies of that talk……and it was read recently at a meeting of our local City Council. So I decided to expand on, and share that message with you here today.
First I want to tell all the therapists, counselors and social workers out there that I’m sorry. I’m going to beat up on you a little bit here – and I think I have the right to do that because I’m one of you. I’ve been working with families for twenty years, and have increasingly become concerned about some of the dynamics of parenting that are popular in our current culture. Dynamics that are, in large part, a result of therapeutic processes.
I want to tell you what I think therapy has done for families…at least to a certain degree. We’ve botched up the entire works!
Yes! Here’s what we’ve done… We’ve taught adults that all of their problems and unresolved issues stem from being raised in a pathological family…that it’s their parents’ fault, …and we’ve taught parents that they must, at all costs, avoid doing damage to the fragile psyches of their offspring…or else they too will be labeled “pathological” when their children are grown, and are in therapy. Are you depressed? Angry? Unable to manage healthy adult relationships? Suffering from low self esteem? Confused about your identity? Well, let’s talk about your parents, because all this is more than likely their fault. Sound familiar?
I once had a young friend whose therapist told her that in order to enjoy a mentally healthy life, she would probably need to disown her mother. That may sound shocking to you, but believe me, there are many counselors out there who offer similar advice.
Want to know what I think? I think adults in therapy should be coached and encouraged to forgive their parents rather than to blame them….being human, after all, is quite an ordeal…and I’ve yet to meet anyone – parent or not – who has perfected this art of being human. In some sense, we’re all wounded ducks.
I recently heard of a mother who said to her adult son, “The weather is so bad and I knew you were traveling today, so I just wanted to express my concerns for your safety.” Know what her son said? He said, “That’s just another example of your emotionally incestuous connection to me.”
While I’m ranting, let me give you my thoughts on this fear that parents have of damaging their child’s tender ego.
I think parents should be encouraged to worry more about their child’s character than his psyche. Does that mean that I endorse abusive treatment of children. Of course not. But setting and enforcing family rules; teaching civility, thoughtfulness and good manners; requiring appropriate behavior…this is not abuse!
Have you noticed, increasingly over the past 10 years, that it’s “cool” to be rude? That it’s perfectly acceptable to lash out at people who make us wait; who slow us down; whose opinions differ from ours; whose needs deplete our resources?
We have a crisis of values and meaning in our culture today. Compassion, self-sacrifice, humor, tolerance, civility, manners and resiliency are often not being taught. The junk values that many children learn at home are no more nourishing than Diet Pepsi, and are as bad for their souls as candy is for their teeth.
In the 1930’s there was an enormous economic crisis in this country. Today we’re dealing with a new crisis… the poverty of consumerism…meaning we never have enough. As one writer put it, we’re “thirsty in the rain”. We have overestimated the benefits of stress-free lives, and oversold the positive effects of smooth, non-challenging childhoods. We reward our offspring’s mediocre accomplishment, instead of challenging them to do better, all in an attempt to build self-esteem. We buy all the latest material goods for our children to make up for time not spent with them, instead of giving them a sense of purpose by allowing them to work and save for what they want.
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What, you might well ask, does all this have to do with Peace in the family? I’m happy to answer that. I would suggest – and this is where the toad squats in this message… that Peace has it’s roots in Character. And that family is where we must learn…must develop Character.
Let’s agree on our terms. I define character as ‘moral and ethical strength’. Can you agree with that? Do you know that there are organizations, such as The Character Education Partnership, that are now promoting the teaching of basic ethical traits in public schools. The CEP bases it’s curriculum on these six character traits: Responsibility, Trustworthiness, Respect, Fairness, Caring, and Citizenship.
I suddenly feel so old. In my day we learned those things at home….in no uncertain terms…on a daily basis….sometimes with fear and trembling.
Well, but these are different times, aren’t they? And there are parents who don’t have the capability to teach these character traits – so we need to help them. I get that. Go ahead and teach it in school. Better that than nothing.
But I’m talking here about those parents who are capable…who were raised on these same principles of character…but who have been disempowered by psychological theory that says, “If you make life too difficult for your kids, they’ll get depressed…and then you’ll have to take them to therapy…and put them on Prozac….and what if your friends find out?”
Hear me well… Kids don’t get depressed because you’re too strict!! Kids – unless they have some kind of systemic imbalance – get depressed because they don’t know how to manage their emotions…because they don’t have a sense of purpose…because they are living desperately lonely lives in families of desperately lonely people who’ve forgotten how to make time for connectedness.
We are bombarded with media messages about community restoration…about ending poverty and violence in our neighborhoods. I don’t disagree. But perhaps it’s time to get interested in restoring communities and in rebuilding the infrastructure of families. Maybe we need to take back our streets, and our living rooms. I’d like to see us get our kids off Prozac and onto the right track. Do you watch Nanny 911 and Supernanny? In these reality shows we have professional childcare providers going into homes that are out of control because the children have total power…and helping parents understand that they must take back that power in order to accomplish the primary task of being a parent, which is the preparation of our children to become successful, fully-functioning adults.
If I’m not careful I’m going to start preachin’ here.
Well, how do we begin that process? How do we support the return of character-building family life? I wonder if it might be helpful to look at what worked in the past. Do you ever feel nostalgic for the past? Nostalgia, which is the clinical term for homesickness, comes from the Greek root that means “the return of home”. This is what I often see in therapy. People who just want to have a home….a place of safety, “a soft place to land” as Dr. Phil would say…a place where expectations are clear, where connection is more important than acquisition, where conversations take precedence over put-downs and snappy one-liners.
Where learning from our mistakes is the guiding principle, and forgiveness is free for the asking.
I’m not suggesting that we romanticize the past…but that we learn from it. That we, as a culture, ask ourselves, “Under what conditions did the families of fifty years ago flourish, and how can we re-create those conditions in the current culture?”
The God of my understanding has ordained families to be the first agents of peace. Living peaceably together in the world is contingent upon the qualities of character learned within family.
May your families be richly blessed with character….and with Peace.
[This writing is largely based on excerpts from “The Shelter of Each Other” by Mary Pipher. I highly recommend this book!]
Pat McDaniels is a 61 yo...a recently retired HR Director for a mid-size organization, and also a licensed psychotherapist. She does training and consulting...mostly in Ohio, and now has the goal of being a published writer.
She says: "In my therapy practice I have focused primarily on women's issues and couples therapy. I love the notion of wise women or "crones" serving as mentors for younger women.
I have two grown sons...one is a mathematics professor at Ohio State, and the other is completing an education degree.
And I have, of course, three dogs...hence the name of my blog....A Three Dog Life at http://www.pjblue2.wordpress.com" . |
